I didn't wake up disgruntled. But somehow, I became disgruntled.
I reached for 3 bowls for cereal, only one clean. I made do with 2 salad bowls and one cereal bowl. And to think I wasn't even going to get those cereal bowls. Good thing my father-in-law knew we would use them!
And then, I slowly got more and more disgruntled at the state of our house. Piles on every surface. Boxes open and strewn about. Some still from the camping trip. Others from the great closet reflooring that unexpectedly occurred last weekend. (Water really did get in our house, it took us a week to figure it out when it started smelling.)
And I started losing my patience with my kids. I yelled. Sage yelled back. I told Sage and Kolby to clean their room. Sage said no. I told him to stay there all day with no lunch. He asked about needing to leave to drop off a meal at someones house. I told him he'd stay home by himself in his room if it wasn't clean. And walked downstairs to sit and nurse Levi.
As I sat, I started to see and hear what a jerk I had been to my kids. Me, who is always telling Sage, speak kindly, Kolby isn't going to respond to unkind words in a nice way. Me, the adult, the one who is supposed to rise above, the one who is supposed to set the example.
He came downstairs and said "Mom, I'm sorry for yelling at you." I had tears in my eyes. I should have been apologizing first. I did apologize and ask for his forgiveness.
I messed up today. I was disgruntled. I had tried to pray about it. I didn't get far in my prayer before I started in on something else. My thoughts were mean and unkind. They started to show in my actions and then my words.
Next time, I'm going to stop and sit and close my eyes. A prayer on the go wasn't working for me this time. This time, I needed to focus on my Jesus, my Saviour, my Father of mercies. Focus and tell him how crappy I felt, how yucky my insides felt and ask him for his help, for his mercy and to change me.
Before I take it out on my kids.
The great thing about when we mess up with or in front of our kids is the opportunity we have to teach them about apologizing and forgivenss. I think hearing, "Do you forgive me?" from a parent is one of the most life changing things a kids will hear, and as someone who grew up with parents who said it, I still remember those moments (fondly) to this day. No screw up comes without an opportunity for redemption, and learning. What a good example for your kids. It still feels crummy, but the guilty doesn't fix the situation. That's what I always try to tell myself when that stupid guilt comes creeping in for me. You are definitely not alone in this!
ReplyDeleteIf we could all be so honest we would be better - better friends, wives, sisters, daughters, and moms. I have definitely been there. And you are so right - it never gets better until you really take the time to let God help you sort it out. Here's to a great weekend with Daddy help! Happy Mother's Day to you :)
ReplyDeleteOH, I know this too well, too. I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day.
ReplyDeleteSteph