Thursday, May 11, 2006

Ahhh Breath out

Both boys are sleeping. I feel my body relax as I tell myself not to think about what I should do and do what I want to do while they sleep.

Kolby is a great nurser but he seems to have a lot of gas. Sometimes while I am feeding him, he will pull off and scream and poop or fart. It makes nursing him not relaxing and not always a comfort thing for him like it should be. It kind of worries me and kind of not. I asked the dr. and he said stop drinking milk because I don't have to drink it to make it. Idiot. Duh. I haven't really done that because I have still been eating dairy.

I met a friend at the mall for lunch today. In the elevator, I rode with a couple who had an 18 month old girl and a 6 week old boy. She looked amazing! Anyway, later, I wished that I had talked to her more, asked her name, maybe for her phone number so we could have a mommy date. Is that weird? I just don't have many mommy friends here and I would love to have more and don't know how to meet/find them. I am in a moms club but haven't really clicked with anyone.

I feel guilty a lot. Guilty because I don't do things enough or right. I didn't feel this way with just Sage but now I feel it a lot. I haven't written in Kolby's journal that we bought for him. I haven't even put together his baby book. Sage stays in his crib for an hour in the morning before I get him up, because I want more sleep. I am always behind on the laundry. Making dinner is hard. Kolby cries a lot. I don't hold him enough. Sage doesn't get enough one on one attention. Will I ever feel less guilty? I also feel selfish. I want time for myself. I want Kolby to sleep through the night. I want to switch Kolby to formula, maybe that would help his gas issues. It is almost like I look for reasons to quit breastfeeding. And on the other hand, I love it. It is so conveniant, easy and always ready. But I am the only one who can feed him. I want to leave my boys with a sitter for the night. But I feel guilty that Kolby might cry a lot. And he will need me. And I don't want someone else to have to deal with his crying.

I don't feel like myself lately. I feel different. I don't know. It is weird. I feel like I want to be somebody else. But who? I feel tired and lonely.

My friend might move this summer. My one good friend here. Then what will I do? Why is having/making friends so hard? I have an awesome friend from third grade. She understands everything. Why can't we live in the same place?

Kolby has started to smile. He is so cute and so chubby! His cheeks are huge. We get lots of comments on his cheeks. He gets these last casts off on the 23rd. There are so many unknowns with the brace that will come. I don't know how often I can take it off. To change his diaper? How easy will it be for him to wear socks, shoes, pants, feeted pajamas? Does it have to be on his feet or over socks? I just need to be patient but have so many questions. And I know we will get a lot more questions with the brace than we do with the casts. A lot of people don't notice them. Especially since he wears pants all the time or is in his car seat with his legs covered. Can I still use the Baby Bjorn with him?

Now I better go do...

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