I remember one or two, now three!

Disappointment: I wish that I could carry Kolbster in a sling. There, I said it. That is one thing I am disappointed about with his club foot. Silly, huh? I think he would like it because he loves to be held and always wants to be held. But having a metal bar in between his feet is a little cumbersome. And I am not going to apologize for being disappointmed about this because he could have something else wrong and this isn't that big of a deal, this is just something that I am still having a hard time with. And I do use the Baby Bjorn and am glad to wear it and use it but man the thing can hurt my back! I have a heavy baby! But man is he cute!

He has learned to kick with his bar on. Which means sitting on my lap, his bar is rubbing up and down on my thigh. Not too great with shorts on!

Beach: We went to the beach this weekend and had so much fun! Kolby was happy most of the time, laying on the blanket looking around and Sage wanted to only be down by the water, picking up the sand and throwing it into the ocean. He even ran in to the ocean up to his waist and liked it! It was cold water though!

Dipaers: Ever tried the Target brand? I will let you know. I am trying them for Kolby next. And I am going to try cloth diapering. Yeah, you read correctly. I ordered some from Motherease. My biggest scared factor is the laundry (doing it all the time). I'll let you know how that goes too.


I have the two cutest boys in the whole world! Yes, they are both sleeping, why do you ask?

BIG BOY BED: Sage sleeps in one! We started this weekend with a nap and the next day put him to bed for the night. He does okay. He wasn't excited to sleep there but he is doing pretty good. The worst part is that now I have to get him up right away or he starts playing with the window air conditioner unit. He can reach it from the end of his bed. He knows he isn't allowed to get off his bed unless one of us comes to get him. Last night was the hardest so far. We host a Bible study at 7:30 and try to get him to bed before people arrive. But we were late eating and then late getting his bath and late getting him to bed. At one point, Drew went in and put him back to bed because he was crying and we just wanted to be sure that he was in bed. After he laid him down again, Sage kept crying, so I went in to check on him and he was laying in the middle of the floor with his arms in his pajamas but the neck was behind his neck. He was stuck in his shirt with his arms straight above his head! It was a funny sight. I brough him out with me and then laid with him until he fell asleep.

I told him that in a few months, Kolby would start sleeping in the crib and they would share a room and he shook his head no.

I had a whole list of things I was going to write but of course now that I am sitting here, I can't remember them. I'll get back to you if I remember.

New Look

I needed a new spring time look, maybe this will stick for a little while. For some reason, black is my favorite color in the winter but not so much come spring and summer. I need color and something to spice up my world!

We love parks at our house! We go to a park almost everyday and everyday I am amazed at how long we can spend at a park. Sage is really good at climbing everything and sliding and swinging. Yesterday, was his first experience in a sand box. He really like shoveling and dumping! I can't wait to take the boys to the beach! (Except that requires me to be in a swim suit.)

We had two rough nights with Kolby adjusting to his splint. Last night was more normal, but man am I tired! 6 hours of total sleep with getting up every 2 is not my idea of a restful night. And the hubby wonders why I am addicted to Coke! I keep it at one a day. Yesterday, I gave Kolby his second real bath of his life! He loved it. He is so cute! And getting so smiley. He really likes to be held. I remember Sage at this age not really caring. I could set him in the bouncy or swing for hours and he was happy. At least long enough to get a shower. Kolby cried while I showered this morning and then right as I was finishing, he stopped!

What a boring post. I will have to think more creatively. Any suggestions?

Dennis Browne Splint

Yesterday, Kolby got his casts off for the last time! He is now wearing a Dennis Browne Splint 23 hours a day, 7 days a week until he is 6 months old. So, until December. His feet are super sensitive since they have been in casts 10 out of 11 weeks of his life. Yesterday he wanted to be held all the time. If he wasn't in someones arms, he was screaming. Hopefully today will be better. He is actually sleeping in the swing and I got to take a shower so already the day is off on a positive note.

Putting the shoes on his little feet is hard. Yesterday, his right foot slipped out twice. Two moms who were in the office with kids who had bilateral club foot said that if Kolby can keep these splints on then we should be golden. They had trouble with their kids getting them off and so one foot didn't correct like it should have.

Last night was rough with Kolby waking up every 2 hours. It was hard to know when to feed hime and when to try to comfort him, I ended up comforting him with nursing! And it is more difficult for him to nurse laying down next to me now. The first time, it made him very angry and the second time he got it. Everything is an adjustment right now and I know this is for the best for the future but it is hard! Especially when he is screaming and hard to console. Yesterday afternoon, I did nothing but hold him.

It will be interesting taking him out in public and hearing comments/questions. One mom said adults didn't say anything about it and didn't comment on how cute he was or anything. It made her feel bad. I don't know if I would say something if I didn't know what it was. There is always a balance between being rude on either side.

Solution or lack thereof

I took Kolby to the dr. this morning, it has finally stopped raining so we got out and walked there and back. With stops on the way back at Starbucks (love me some java chip frapaccino), the library, and the bank. The walk was wonderful. I feel so much better today. And I love getting out and using our stroller which I love!

So, the dr. basically confirmed that it is reflux and that it is very normal in babies until 7 months of age. She said we could try zantac but she does not love to give medication to such little babies. I am not a fan of that either. She also said we could try thickening his meals which would require pumping and adding cereal. I am not a fan of that either since giving babies solids too early can cause problems later on like diabetes and allergies or so the purists say. Anyway, I am also not a fan of pumping and then giving a bottle, that sounds very time consuming when I am with him all the time. She also said that there is not a formula that would be gentler on his stomache than breastmilk. So I am going to continue nursing and do nothing about his reflux except try to comfort him. My time at the dr. seems like a waste but it was encouraging to hear that he will grow out of it... in 5 months! Sounds short and long all at the same time!

Thanks for everyones comments and posts. Rach, talking to you yesterday really lifted my spirits! Sorry, I seem to have scared people with talking about how sad I have been. Honestly, today things are looking up. Maybe a brisk walk every morning would do us all some good! And i am looking forward to updating the blog more often. And get back to some lighter topics, like spanking! Just kidding. I can not handle mean emails right now!

Fussy Baby

Kolby is a fussy baby. I don't know if I would classify him as high needs like Dr. Sears, but fussy. He is the fussiest during and after I nurse him. It has been this way since about 2 weeks old, right after my mom left (of course). Sometimes while nursing he will pull off, arch his back and scream. There is no way to console him, just hold him until he is done screaming. Sometimes, he will latch back on and sometimes he will bop his head around and act like he wants to get back on but won't really then start crying again. I switch sides and sometimes he will latch on there and sometimes will bop his head around and not really nurse again. Sometimes he will suck a couple more times and start crying again. Needless to say, this is very frustrating for myself, Kolby and Drew. I had taken him to the pediatrician for his cradle cap and mentioned it to the resident pediatrician then and he advised to cut milk out of my diet. But he didn't ask any questions about it and didn't seem to care too much. Anyway... we are going tomorrow and hopefully they can watch him nurse and hopefully it will be one of the bad times and they can help us. The triage nurse I spoke with seemed quick to diagnose him with reflux although uncommon in nursing babies. She suggested they might have me bottle feed him expressed milk and add rice cereal to help keep it down. She said what might be happening is the milk is coming back up into his esophagus and causing him pain. His cry definitly seems like a pain cry but at the same time, he will often fart or burp and then quit crying also. It seems to me like it would be more of a gas issue than reflux, but I am not a nurse or doctor. I hope the dr. can help us tomorrow because I am feeling at the end of my rope with nursing. I don't want to quit, I would feel like a failure but if his stomache can handle a formula better... It would make for a happier household. I don't know. Then I start second guessing myself and tell myself his fussiness is normal, which is why it has taken me so long to call the pediatrician in the first place. As a mom I feel guilty and depressed a lot lately. I feel like everything that I do for my kids is not good enough or enough. I feel like if I give up nursing, I am a failure to me sweet baby. I feel like I fail Sage everyday by not playing with him enough. I am having a hard time and can't put my finger on why. I wake up with headaches everyday.

Mom, if you are reading this from Florida, please call. I know you are busy with your parents, but I need some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. And I might just need to cry...again.

Happy Mama

That is what Sage tells me today. So cute.

I am thinking about using gdiapers. Has anyone used them? I have always considered cloth but am put off by the amount of laundry. These seem like a good alternative. They look like a cloth diaper but you flush the liner and all that goes with it. It interests me because it is better for the environment. Not sure the hubby will go for it though.

Kolby is one week and 2 days away from being cast free! Then he will wear a brace all the time until he is six months old.

It seems like I will have posts floating around in my head and I finally get a moment to sit and type and poof they are gone. This blog has been relatively boring lately and with few and far between posts. I had a post the other day that then got lost in cyberspace.

I have been having a hard time adjusting to two babies. On one hand, I feel like I have things under control and on the other, I feel like I am drowning and struggling to get one more breath and somehow I get one more breath and start sinking again.

I celebrated my birthday last week, I am now in my upper twenties, 27 to be exact. We went to dinner last night just me and hubs to celebrate. Ruby Tuesday for an awesome burger and fries. That is one of my favorite meals. Ice cream would have made it complete but it was chilly so we opted for a hot chocolate from Starbucks, another favorite! It was so weird not putting babies into car seats or feeding anyone else but myself. Kolby was good so I feel more comfortable/confident leaving him. And I had such a great time with Drew. We laughed and talked about our future and what that might look like. And we laughed. It was a great birthday dinner.

Ahhh Breath out

Both boys are sleeping. I feel my body relax as I tell myself not to think about what I should do and do what I want to do while they sleep.

Kolby is a great nurser but he seems to have a lot of gas. Sometimes while I am feeding him, he will pull off and scream and poop or fart. It makes nursing him not relaxing and not always a comfort thing for him like it should be. It kind of worries me and kind of not. I asked the dr. and he said stop drinking milk because I don't have to drink it to make it. Idiot. Duh. I haven't really done that because I have still been eating dairy.

I met a friend at the mall for lunch today. In the elevator, I rode with a couple who had an 18 month old girl and a 6 week old boy. She looked amazing! Anyway, later, I wished that I had talked to her more, asked her name, maybe for her phone number so we could have a mommy date. Is that weird? I just don't have many mommy friends here and I would love to have more and don't know how to meet/find them. I am in a moms club but haven't really clicked with anyone.

I feel guilty a lot. Guilty because I don't do things enough or right. I didn't feel this way with just Sage but now I feel it a lot. I haven't written in Kolby's journal that we bought for him. I haven't even put together his baby book. Sage stays in his crib for an hour in the morning before I get him up, because I want more sleep. I am always behind on the laundry. Making dinner is hard. Kolby cries a lot. I don't hold him enough. Sage doesn't get enough one on one attention. Will I ever feel less guilty? I also feel selfish. I want time for myself. I want Kolby to sleep through the night. I want to switch Kolby to formula, maybe that would help his gas issues. It is almost like I look for reasons to quit breastfeeding. And on the other hand, I love it. It is so conveniant, easy and always ready. But I am the only one who can feed him. I want to leave my boys with a sitter for the night. But I feel guilty that Kolby might cry a lot. And he will need me. And I don't want someone else to have to deal with his crying.

I don't feel like myself lately. I feel different. I don't know. It is weird. I feel like I want to be somebody else. But who? I feel tired and lonely.

My friend might move this summer. My one good friend here. Then what will I do? Why is having/making friends so hard? I have an awesome friend from third grade. She understands everything. Why can't we live in the same place?

Kolby has started to smile. He is so cute and so chubby! His cheeks are huge. We get lots of comments on his cheeks. He gets these last casts off on the 23rd. There are so many unknowns with the brace that will come. I don't know how often I can take it off. To change his diaper? How easy will it be for him to wear socks, shoes, pants, feeted pajamas? Does it have to be on his feet or over socks? I just need to be patient but have so many questions. And I know we will get a lot more questions with the brace than we do with the casts. A lot of people don't notice them. Especially since he wears pants all the time or is in his car seat with his legs covered. Can I still use the Baby Bjorn with him?

Now I better go do...

SAHM

Why is it that I love being a stay at home mom but I don't like to stay home? In the morning, I think about what I am going to do and where I am going. I am not usually content to stay home. I joined a moms club that plans activities for us to do with our kids. There are usually 2 mornings or afternoon events per week. Since I moved here a year ago, that has been a great way to meet people and an easy way to get out of the house. It was easier when I only had Sage. Now, it seems like every event is at exactly the same time as when Kolby needs to eat. This morning, I plannned to feed him when we got there, except, I got lost and we never got there. So, I ended up driving around for an hour. That doesn't exactly count as getting out of the house to me. Sage fell asleep so maybe it was worth it!

Some days, I love to stay in my pajamas and clean the house but then by the afternoon, I am ready to get out and sometimes it doesn't work with nap schedules, nursing and needing to figure out and make dinner.

Some days, I feel so lazy because I don't want to clean or cook and then I remind myself that if my kids are clean and fed I am doing my job and most everything else can wait until tomorrow! Except dinner, dinner can never wait for tomorrow and I dislike having to plan and cook for it. I don't know why. I think because it is at the end of the day and I am ready to be done for the day. And I hate grocery shopping and figuring out what to make all the time.

Some days, when it is finally sunny instead of raining, I want to stay inside and not go anywhere. Why? I am just weird. I feel lonely so I stay home and type on the computer.

Some days, I feel so guilty for not playing with Sage more. I should be teaching him and playing with him all the time. I try but at the same time he plays by himself a lot and that is good too. Every kid needs to learn to play by themself too. So many things to make me feel guilty. Guilt to be a better mom and wife. Keep the house cleaner, make better dinners, give healthier snacks, healthier meals, not drink Coke, the list goes on and on.

Internet in da house

Kolby pictures! The far left we were at a park and the only way he wasn't screaming was in his car seat being bounced. The second is sleeping on mom and dads bed!



We finally have our computer back! It is a long story, but thanks to Geek Squad we are back up and running.

Kolby had his surgery yesterday. They cut his heal cords and recast his legs. He will wear these casts for 3 weeks and then we start the brace treatment. The surgery went perfectly. We took Sage with us and he did great with all the waiting. Grandma had sent some tools for him to play with and we got him some of his own keys which were a big hit! I highly recommend them, they are Parents brand and he loves them!

Kolby will be 8 weeks, Thursday. Time flies! He was weighed yesterday before surgery with casts on and he was 15 lbs. 2 oz, so probably without casts, 14 lbs. He is chubby! It will be funny to see him without casts, they just seem a part of who he is! And his legs will be so skinny! His top thigh chubs out around the cast, it looks pretty funny!

Hopefully now I will get to post more, but still keep my house as clean. Funny how clean it has been since we haven't had internet!