Do you ever feel like you can't do anything right?

Today at Target, Kolby wants to be held so I whip out the new sling and stick him in. Crying continues except louder. I take him out. Crying simmers. I face him outward. Crying stops. The rest of the Target trip I holding him on one hip, facing out trying to push the cart. Lately, I feel like the worlds worst mother. I am short with Sage and can't seem to keep Kolby happy. There are many factors entering this equation.

Factor 1: Kolby likes to be held. I like holding Kolby but when I hold him, little gets accomplished. Enter Baby Bjorn. It helps a lot. Kolby is happy, I am happy and able to get a little more accomplished. Kolby weighs about 17 lbs. That is a lot of weight on my shoulders in the Bjorn, too much weight. It hurts, it kills my back. Some chiropractor is going to make a lot of money off me someday. I start searching for other options. Remember, Kolby is in a Dennis Browne Splint 22 - 23 hours a day. I email a couple different companies asking for advice. Rockin Baby Slings emails back right away saying they think a sling could work. I order immediatly. Receive it yesterday. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't work, I insist to keep trying. It doesn't work. The snuggle hold which they suggested, keeps his bar in the sling and he kind of squats in the sling and is facing me. It is okay for about 5 minutes if I put him in happy then the crying starts. I think it might hurt his legs. I think I am going to send it back.

I had also emailed the Ergo company. They never got back to me. I don't think that one would work either.

I am stuck until Sept. 27th when we go to the doctor and supposedly Kolby can start wearing the bar only at night. And then any kind of carrier will work because he won't be wearing the bar.

Factor 2: Sage is almost 2 and his favorite word is no and he dawdles everywhere. Especially when I am carrying Kolby in the "break my arm" carrier. The thing that Sage is the worst at being obedient is when we say come here. He walks from our apartment to the garage. And sometimes does a really good job and comes right to the car but most of the time, he walks around the lot and looks at dirt and the trash cans and sticks and rocks and anything. I know it is his age but come on already. It takes 5 minutes just to get to the car. I would just carry him when I am in a hurry but I am already carrying Kolby, the diaper bag and whatever else we need for that particular trip.

Both of these things are wearing on me. A lot.

Good news? Kolby only woke up once last night to nurse! Sage has been going down for naps without crying! Sage also told me today that he was poopy! It is the little things in life.

Sage wears Pampers and they feature Elmo. So whenever we change his diaper, he says Melmo? And when we change Kolby's diaper, Melmo? Even though Kolby's diapers don't have Elmo on them.

Off to do more laundry!

Spinning and Spinning and Spinning some MORE

Today at Trader Joe's an older gentleman told me Sage is going to be a good skier because he is pigeon toed. Thank you old man. Sage the skier and Kolby the snowboarder.

Sage loves to spin. He will spin and spin until he is so dizzy he falls over. Example: Last night, he was spinning in the hallway, hit the wall and bounced off the opposite wall and fell over. He cried and got back up and started spinning. At the park today, there was something like a sit and spin. He loved it. He got off and couldn't walk. My fear is that one of us will have to take him on spinny rides at amusement parks. We'll have to play rock, paper, sissors.

Kolby can be such a good baby and such a difficult baby. It is like he has two personalities. As if to prove that point, he just started crying.

What is it with purple?

Sage just ate a purple crayon! I think I am so clever letting him color while I type and he thinks he is so clever eating markers and crayons! I was thinking of buying play doh, but maybe I will wait!

The other day I told Sage to go put his pajamas in his room. Later, I went in his room and didn't see them on the floor or his bed. I checked his pajama drawer and to my surprise, there they were! I didn't know he knew where to put them in his dresser. He learns so much by watching!

He doesn't like to get his diaper changed. He won't fight me changing it, but when I ask him if he needs it changed, especially when poopy, he says no and runs the other way. The other day, I thought I smelled something but he claimed he wasn't poopy and we played on. He was running and walking funny and I decided we needed to change his diaper. He had the worst rash ever! Now, I just have to say, we don't want you to get another diaper rash and he comes running for the change!

Every night, he wants the same two books read to him before bed. and My Big Book of Animals and Love You Forever. Neither Drew or I can read the second one without tearing up.

Kolby is getting so big and he is so happy and so smiley. He is waking up happy in the mornings now. He will look around and coo and smile. He still wakes up screaming from his naps, though. I worry that his head is getting too flat in the back, so I bought the Boppy Noggin Nest that is supposed to help prevent that. We use it in the swing, stroller, car seat and ssshhh, don't tell, but his bed too. Last night, we caught on video how Kolby pulls his knees in, kicks his legs staight up in the air and plops them down. It is pretty funny to watch since he wears the Dennis Browne Splint.

Sage just demonstrated that he can now open the garbage can with his foot! It is one that you step on the lever and it opens the top.

Drew has been working long days, like from 6 to 6 or there abouts, but he doesn't go back in the evenings unless it is completly necessary. I am loving having him home so much!

Sage got Drew a bat and ball for Fathers Day that we got to use at the park last night. Okay so maybe the bat and ball were for Sage and Drew gets to play too! Sage was getting the hang of it after about 10 minutes. His favorite part was chasing the ball while yelling, BBBBAAAALLLL!

Kolby had his appointment yesterday morning and the doctor said his feet look perfect. Everything is straightening out just like it is supposed to. They did the first x-rays of his feet. Kolby didn't like those so much. They have to hold his feet a certain way with plastic boards to get the picture right. We go back in 3 months when Kolby will get to stop wearing them during the day and wear them at night only.

I am going to get a pedicure tonight and Drew will be home with the boys. We'll see how Kolby does taking a bottle...

Non-Toxic

Good thing crayola makes non-toxic markers, Sage just bit the tip off the purple one.

I think we will put the markers away for a while, maybe until he is 5!

Sage stories

Yesterday, while I was nursing Kolby in our dining room, Sage was in the living room playing. Suddenly, he starts crying/whining (not unusual). But he keeps crying and I am yelling "Sage, what is the matter?" "Yeah." He yells back (his response to most questions). Finally I walk in the living room. He has the foot rest popped open on the recliner and has managed to get his arm stuck in between the boards with the foot rest half open. He had big tears running down his face but as soon as I got him unstuck, he was done crying.

Last night, he was outside in our "backyard" otherwise known as a parking lot in the back of our apartment. But we are the only ones who drive or park there. He was playing with one of those big balls. Throwing it, chasing it, repeat. Over and over again. He threw it, chased it, tried to pick it up, and missed his body twists around and he lands on his forehead on the ground. Immediatly he cries. His forehead and nose are scratched but nothing serious. Not even too much blood. I showed him in the mirror later and asked if it hurt to which he replied "Noo."

Kolby is sitting in his bouncy seat. Sage gives him a hug by laying on Kolby and giving him kisses and his feet are up in the air behind him!

Sage loves music. He loves to play his xylophone and sing! He uses toys as pretend microphones!

I want to start writing more of these because I so quickly forget!

2 Month Check up

Kolbster had his 2 month check up today even though he will be turning 3 months on Friday the 9th. He weighed in at 16lbs. 11oz. which puts him off the charts for weight, height is 25th percentile at 23.5 inches and head is 50th percentile. That is as exciting as the visit was. He got his first shots and screamed!

Sage fell asleep on the way home from the doctors and I carried him in, laid him down, took his shoes off, took his pants off, changed his diaper (which had leaked-pampers, not cloth), took off his jacket and then laid him in bed. I laid with him for about 5 minutes and he is still sleeping. He has been waking up really early lately like 6am. Last night he was up until 10pm. His naps have been getting earlier and earlier like noon. Yesterday morning I noticed he was really tired. He is getting to the age of meltdowns. At the park yesterday, someone brought one of those little cars you sit in and walk around. He LOVES these. And was so upset that he couldn't play with it because it wasn't his and someone else was playing with it at the time. Crying fit. We left. It was a hard park day. He was so excited to be there and we were walking in and he tripped on the bricks right through the entry gate. He smacked his face on the ground and got a bloody lip and nose. Then he was playing on this big see-saw type thing. It was a four seater, two kids on each side. He was by himself on one side and two 3 or 4 year olds were on the other. He decided he wanted to get off and started to slide himself forward under the safety bar. The kids kept going so his little body was getting bucked back and forth, back and forth. I was about 50 feet away with Kolbs in the Baby Bjorn running towards them yelling STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP. I felt like the freaky mom at the park.

Split Personalities

I have two different personalities when it comes to mothering. The first is the laid back, natural mothering style. I breastfeed, in public, where ever I happen to be and rarely with something covering the baby. I have started using cloth diapers. My baby is kind of on a schedule, kind of a nurse on demand baby. He sleeps in the swing for his naps, most of the time. The other mom is scheudled, disciplined, and routine driven. Sometimes I want Kolbster to drink formula from a bottle, take a passy like nobody's business, and wear only disposable diapers. And sleep only in his bassinet. It is like a battle going on everyday. I have given in to some things and others I haven't (like the bottle). Part of me figures, Kolbs is still little, he will settle into more of a routine in about a month and part of me is like it is my own fault, I don't always make him eat, have awake time and then sleep. Why haven't I figured out who I am yet, and why am I not always comfortable in my own skin? Why do I feel the need to try every option? For example, I have tried all brands of diapers, never loyal to one. And now, I had to try cloth diapering. I can't even tell you why I wanted to try. Maybe because I know people that do it and I wanted to try it too and maybe because it has always interested me so why not try or maybe because, if my mom can do it, surely I can too, maybe because it would save us money(?), maybe because it helps the environment, maybe because I wanted to try it.

Cloth diapering and saving money. I am not sure I buy that any more. We were doing the math and for the money I have invested I would have to cloth diaper exclusively for 6 months to make them break even with disposables. And that doesn't even get me enough diapers to do it full time. I have 12. (1 is defective and they are sending me another one) I have used 7 today by 3pm although one was because Kolby peed when his diaper was open and got the clean one wet. So, I am doing a mixture of cloth and disposables. Cloth around home and for short trips out and about. Disposables to fill in the gaps and when we will be gone for extended periods of time. And I am not brave enough to try cloth for overnight.

Kolbs has only poohed in one cloth diaper and it held it all in! This was going on the third day of no pooh action from him, so with that I am impressed.

Target diapers have worked great for Kolby. No leaks and they seem to fit great. Why didn't I try the ultra cheap brand of Target diapers before I bought cloth and why didn't I do the cloth math correctly before I bought cloth?

What is up with the weather? I can't keep up with it, first really hot shorts and t-shirts now we are back to low 60's.

Kolby's clothes. I need one piece outfits that snap in the crotch for him. I can't pull pants on and off because that requires taking his shoes and bar on and off and that takes too long and he doesn't especially like it. Although today after he peed on his socks and I changed them and put his shoes back on, he didn't cry at all! And now with this weird weather, I only have 2 long pants with short sleeve option for him. And that particular combination with snaps all along the legs is kind of hard to find.

A lot of times as I write, I think who cares about this stuff in my life, does anyone read this?

First Time For Everything

First ER Visit: Kolby fell off Sage's bed. I irresponsibly and stupidly laid Kolby at the foot of Sage's bed while I changed Sage's diaper. By the time I was done, Kolby was crying on the floor. The hardwood floor. He isn't even 3 months old. He is crying. Sage is crying. I am praying. I try to nurse him, he cries, he latches on, he falls asleep, immediatly. I try calling the doctor, Drew. No one answers. I put him in his car seat. He stays asleep. He always crys when I put him in his car seat or put him down. He prefers to be held. I decide to go to the ER. I call Drew approximatly 8,000 times. He finally calls. He will meet me at the ER.

The nurse takes Kolby back to get him started. Sage cries. He doesn't want his brother to leave. Drew walks in. We all go back with Kolby to get him weighed and looked over. We sit in the waiting room. We get taken to a room. He is doing better. Wide awake. Looking around. Smiling. We call our parents. They order a Cat Scan. We decide Drew and Sage will go home. I stay with Kolby. Cat Scan done. I finally nurse him. Cat Scan read. They see a small spot on one of the hundreds of pictures. They might want to keep him overnight to be safe. They take some blood and put in an IV. He screams. They want to watch him overnight. We wait for a room on the pediatric unit. I talk to the nurse and the doctor. Kolby sleeps. Cell phone keeps ringing. Finally, I can sleep. Kolby wakes up. Nurses one side. Falls asleep. Won't wake up. Rub water on his face. Call the nurse. Says she isn't worried since he ate on one side. Kolby wakes up every couple of hours. Long night. Drew calls at 7:15 and wakes me up. Kolby wakes up. He nurses. We get discharged by 10.

Long night, Kolby is back to normal. He is supposed to avoid activities that might cause head trauma.