Fear Grips Me

I got rock star parking, right next to the door. Almost right next to the door. I skipped the elevator and took the two flights of stairs down and thought about how I would stop in the pharmacy and get a pack of gum.

$1.24 for a pack of gum and then a thought, out of nowhere, "There isn't going to be a heartbeat, the baby is going to be dead."

And the next thought. "For I did not give you a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Peace.

The ultrasound was fired up. The baby was seen immediately. The heartbeat strong.

I mentioned Kolby being born with bilateral clubfoot and wanting to make sure we look closely at this baby's feet at the big ultrasound. We don't know why Kolby was born with clubfoot. No doctors can really tell us, it could be genetic, it could be womb positioning.

She offerred a new opinion. It can be related to chromosomes. To Trisomy 13 or 18 or Downs Syndrome. She recommended the blood work for the chromosome testing. To rule things out.

I agreed.

I scheduled my next appointment and called Drew. I told him we were doing the testing.

Conversation over.

Sunday morning, Curtis Jones reads Philippians 4:4-9. A familiar passage. "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or head from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

And the song while we were praying quietly:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul

Then:

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

• Refrain:
  I surrender all,
  I surrender all;
  All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
  I surrender all.

God was telling me that I wasn't surrendering all. I wasn't saying It Is Well.

I kept these tidbits of information to myself.

Drew and I were discussing the test again. He asked me what it would change if we found something out before the baby was born or the minute the baby was born. I argued that we could prepare our hearts, prepare the boys.

"You just want control of when you grieve."

I didn't know what to say.

He was right.

I surrender.

I surrender this pregnancy.

This baby.

Testing won't change the outcome of the pregnancy. I'll carry the baby as long as God has planned.

God already knows.

And I'm called to trust.

Not to try to control.