Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Fear Grips Me

I got rock star parking, right next to the door. Almost right next to the door. I skipped the elevator and took the two flights of stairs down and thought about how I would stop in the pharmacy and get a pack of gum.

$1.24 for a pack of gum and then a thought, out of nowhere, "There isn't going to be a heartbeat, the baby is going to be dead."

And the next thought. "For I did not give you a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."


The ultrasound was fired up. The baby was seen immediately. The heartbeat strong.

I mentioned Kolby being born with bilateral clubfoot and wanting to make sure we look closely at this baby's feet at the big ultrasound. We don't know why Kolby was born with clubfoot. No doctors can really tell us, it could be genetic, it could be womb positioning.

She offerred a new opinion. It can be related to chromosomes. To Trisomy 13 or 18 or Downs Syndrome. She recommended the blood work for the chromosome testing. To rule things out.

I agreed.

I scheduled my next appointment and called Drew. I told him we were doing the testing.

Conversation over.

Sunday morning, Curtis Jones reads Philippians 4:4-9. A familiar passage. "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or head from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

And the song while we were praying quietly:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul


All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
  • Refrain:
    I surrender all,
    I surrender all;
    All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
    I surrender all.
God was telling me that I wasn't surrendering all. I wasn't saying It Is Well.

I kept these tidbits of information to myself.

Drew and I were discussing the test again. He asked me what it would change if we found something out before the baby was born or the minute the baby was born. I argued that we could prepare our hearts, prepare the boys.

"You just want control of when you grieve."

I didn't know what to say.

He was right.

I surrender.

I surrender this pregnancy.

This baby.

Testing won't change the outcome of the pregnancy. I'll carry the baby as long as God has planned.

God already knows.

And I'm called to trust.

Not to try to control.


  1. My eyes definitely teared up when reading this. The Lord has definitely used all this with Price to teach me about surrender. We have no idea why Price has the issues he has and I used to blame myself over and over. The Lord taught me, however, that this is me just wanting to know that I could have controlled it. And I couldn't have. Price was wonderfully and fearfully made just like Kolby. And just like this new baby of yours.

  2. Incredible. I really needed to read this.

    I am scheduled to have my NT scan this Friday and I am scared. What is making me even more dismayed than usual (If that's possible) is that the doppler someone was sending was delayed. It is on its way now, but it may not be here before Friday.

    So I am going into the appointment "blind" which is my way of saying "I won't be the first to know." I always try to find the heartbeat before my appointments to avoid another ~horrendous~ blindside.

    As if finding out in my bedroom, alone, is better than with virtual stranger in a dark room.

    Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't been so shocked into my first loss (dead baby discovered at ultrasound, was living and fine at previous ultrasound) then I wouldn't be this way. Like if I had signs or was bleeding, it would have prepared me a little. But I was hit by a train for some reason.

    For a very long time, I was so angry at God for not pushing me out of the way in time or at least turning my head to see what was coming, but it wouldn't have mattered. It still would have hurt tremendously.

    That event in itself taught me I have zero control. Zero. None. Still, I fight it rather than surrender by wanting to control my grief on MY terms, not as it is sent.

    It offers a false sense of protection to me, but it's foolish. Nobody can sustain or protect me like God, no matter what comes on Friday or beyond.

  3. Praying for you...that God will give you that peace continually and bring to mind scripture when you start to fear.

  4. so perfectly said! Worry is for SURE my biggest struggle. Thanks for sharing your true self!!!

  5. Thank you for this. Praying for your pregnancy!

  6. thinking this through some more...

    the will of God is stalwart, and though we can petition God in prayer, we really have NO control of the outcome.

    That fact used to really freak me out, but now it gives me peace.

    Weird? I don't know.

    Maybe after all I've been through, it gives me peace, because I know all along this has been God's will - the same God who gave me Scott and Lucy and Asher and didn't have to...

    so it comforts me.

  7. Kolby had clubfoot because God made him that way. No other reason.

  8. Hey Kristy. I am praying for you right now. It's hard to surrender but I am so encouraged that you are doing it with much trust and grace. God has called me to surrender to Him something very precious to me too. I'm working on it and trusting Him and learning to release them.

    You are loved!

  9. Fear, worry, grief when your children hurt, wishing you could control the pain, the sorrow, is an ongoing life process of learning and choosing to trust God, His will, surrender what I think would be best...even when your 'babies' are adults. Been there, still there ~~ Mom of 3 adult-children in the battle

  10. praising God for your honesty and heart tonight. and praising Him for that beautiful knitting he's doing.

  11. Check your email. Thank you for being so brave to share.. love you.

  12. Kiki,
    What a beautiful testimony of your faith in God. He knows. And that is enough.

  13. Kristy, I am praying for you and this pregnancy. God is with you every step of the way, and from speaking from experience when they tell you all the things that could go wrong and this and this could be wrong with your baby, hold tight to your faith. Hold on to Jesus, He loves you and this baby!
    let's get together soon and hang out, miss you!

  14. I just read this. Know that I am praying for you and your pregnancy. Thanks for sharing this!

  15. Friend, I am so mad because my bloglines just showed me your last 3 posts. Now you know why I asked you on Tuesday night why you hadn't been blogging! I will be praying for you about this. I'm sorry it's something that even has to be discussed.

  16. Amen.

    PRAISING the Lord for His faithfulness to you. Praising Him for His word at the right moment, through scripture, song and a husband that hears His voice. Praising Him for the joy and comfort that come through surrendering our fears, control, pain, and worry.

    TRUSTING Him to guide you through this pregnancy, with strength and JOY! Trusting that He is faithful to continue to defeat the enemy when He attacks and tries to bring fear.

    PRAYING for His continued blessings and protection in your life and over this sweet baby.

    LOVING you, friend!


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