stream of conciousness

My in-laws came on Saturday. My father in law has been hard at work building a built-in for our entertainment accessories. You know what I mean, the DVR, the blue ray player, the speakers and whatever else goes in there. I'm not going to pretend to know.

We have eaten out every single night except for one. I made a really great dinner. Crockpot french dips, Pioneer Woman's mashed potatoes, green beans and Bakerella's peach dessert. I would link to those but am too lazy. I kind of made up the french dip recipe. 5 lbs of roast, not chuck roast, I can't remember what kind I bought. 2 packages of french dip au juice that makes 2 cups each, one packet of italian dressing, one can of beef broth. Cook on low for 8 - 10 hours.

I am also slightly nervous that I may not be able to turn our new tv on or off. We are going from 2 remotes, one which was for the dvd player only, to 4. Heaven help me.

We have had to leave our house everyday this week from about 8:30 - 5ish. That makes for one very tired mama. And one very tired 15 month old. I put him and Sage in Mothers Day Out yesterday because I was sure he would get a good nap there. It failed. He only slept 15 minutes in the van after I picked him up.

We've been to the zoo. We went to Monkey Joes. We drove to Brenham, TX for a 30 minute tour of the Blue Bell ice-cream factory. Save yourself the trip and buy some ice-cream. It was a long drive. We've been to the park. And the mall. And yesterday, Judy and I shopped at the Galleria, by ourselves. I didn't push a stroller. It was lovely.

Judy spoils us and I may have a new purse and a new skirt to wear over leggings for the spring and summer.

Tonight, we will eat Pizza Hut $10 pizzas and watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs on our new tv. The built ins will be built but not painted, but we are all ready for the mess to be cleaned up and to sit in our own house to eat a meal someone else made.

Next time they come, we will not let James do a project, his project will be to enjoy his grandsons. Otherwise, they may never come back!

Fear Grips Me

I got rock star parking, right next to the door. Almost right next to the door. I skipped the elevator and took the two flights of stairs down and thought about how I would stop in the pharmacy and get a pack of gum.

$1.24 for a pack of gum and then a thought, out of nowhere, "There isn't going to be a heartbeat, the baby is going to be dead."

And the next thought. "For I did not give you a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous? Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Peace.

The ultrasound was fired up. The baby was seen immediately. The heartbeat strong.

I mentioned Kolby being born with bilateral clubfoot and wanting to make sure we look closely at this baby's feet at the big ultrasound. We don't know why Kolby was born with clubfoot. No doctors can really tell us, it could be genetic, it could be womb positioning.

She offerred a new opinion. It can be related to chromosomes. To Trisomy 13 or 18 or Downs Syndrome. She recommended the blood work for the chromosome testing. To rule things out.

I agreed.

I scheduled my next appointment and called Drew. I told him we were doing the testing.

Conversation over.

Sunday morning, Curtis Jones reads Philippians 4:4-9. A familiar passage. "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or head from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

And the song while we were praying quietly:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul

Then:

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

• Refrain:
  I surrender all,
  I surrender all;
  All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
  I surrender all.

God was telling me that I wasn't surrendering all. I wasn't saying It Is Well.

I kept these tidbits of information to myself.

Drew and I were discussing the test again. He asked me what it would change if we found something out before the baby was born or the minute the baby was born. I argued that we could prepare our hearts, prepare the boys.

"You just want control of when you grieve."

I didn't know what to say.

He was right.

I surrender.

I surrender this pregnancy.

This baby.

Testing won't change the outcome of the pregnancy. I'll carry the baby as long as God has planned.

God already knows.

And I'm called to trust.

Not to try to control.

Two Totally Unrelated Stories

I was "recycling" my breakfast into the kitchen sink where the handy garbage disposal can do its work.

Kolby stood at the counter watching. I stuck my hand out to shoo him away (I don't like an audience) and as I stuck my hand out, he grabbed it and held me.

In a small, sweet voice he said "Mama, you otay?"

I shook my head yes and told him to go away. Mama will be fine.

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I sat in the drive thru window at Arby's waiting for tonights dinner, 4 for $5 regular roast beef sandwiches.

I glanced inside to see the man who puts the food in bags and on trays, grab a fry and pop it into his mouth.

I don't even know what to say.

4 Questions

From the mouth of Kolby:

1) Ma, you my mommy?

2) Ma, Dew my dad?

3) Ma, any monter (monster) here?

4) Ma, Yebi (Levi), Shage (Sage) my brother?

Chinese Birth Chart

I dreamed about the Chinese Birth Chart last night. I woke up obsessed with finding one. I fed the kids breakfast and grabbed my laptop.

Of course, I started with this pregnancy. It said, "Congratulations, It's A Son!" My heart might have sunk just a little.

And then, I thought, 93% accuracy? Yeah, right. So I tested Sage, Kolby and Levi. It got two of the three right.

At the end of the day, I don't totally believe it.

But, I'm also not running out to buy pink clothes.

And now, I have to totally clarify. I would love a fourth boy. It would be fun to be a total boy mom. And I would definitely buy a BoyMom shirt. I would embrace it and love it.